My life coach traded me.
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.