I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.