[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
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r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house