I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.