I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
incredible book dedication
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!