Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Knock Knock
Poetry is my passion
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days