If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
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A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”