Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
You Might Also Like
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Tell me you get it…🤣
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving