INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
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ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.