Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Ummm
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.