Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Meow
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.