I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*watches the world burn*
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.