I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Seas the day!!!!
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.