Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know