Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.