[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
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Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?