So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
You Might Also Like
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.