Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
You Might Also Like
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.