I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.