Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭