The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.