[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.