I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
You Might Also Like
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.