“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!