Me at 22: you can find me in da club ๐ถ
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub ๐
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I canโt stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
BaD BoY!!
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
ฮ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
โข) Potato
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, iโd kill them again
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.