Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Noah
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.