Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
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Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.