Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
just gave your address to some spiders
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub