Velcrow
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I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
No. YOU-buprofen.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”