*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
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Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves