I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
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“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”