I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Is this a threat?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)