Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Only short people can save us
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.