*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
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Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
me and who
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
had to make it
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”