Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My daily affirmation
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Become a minion. Get that bread.
new shirt idea
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier