Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
scared to check what name she chose