Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
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[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
i’m still crying at this
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Lube but for my dry humor.