Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
thanks auntie mary
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.