Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.