Sunday
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
How to wake up a Beagle
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.