Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
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Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.