We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
worst…sale…ever
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.