1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us