[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
fr
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.