Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.