[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Is this you?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass