do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.