Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.