Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!