I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.